Chipotle is my liiiiiife

I know I’m not alone in saying that Chipotle is life. It may make me “basic” or you might think Chipotle is going out of style, but this kid knows what I’m talking about. Get on our level.

Chipotle recently came out with a new piece of branding content called Chiptopia, which acts as a rewards system. Each time you buy a minimum of $6 worth of food at Chipotle, you swipe your Chiptopia card. After 4 swipes, you hit “Mild” status, giving you the reward of a free burrito or bowl of your choice. This system goes on until you’ve passed “Medium” and reach “Hot” status after 11 purchases. When I heard about this new program, I went N-U-T-S. I can get rewarded with free Chipotle by eating Chipotle? Hell yea, sign me up! I then devised the perfect plan:

I asked my coworkers to team up with me to reach Hot status three months in a row, because doing so lands you the supreme reward – free Chipotle catering for 20 people. We would all use my one Chiptopia card, taking turns buying Chipotle for lunch on workdays. The end goal would be to get the catering reward, because we only have 6 people in our office so we’d be set for life with that much Chipotle. So far, so good. We’re nearing Hot status for the month of July, and the sweet, sweet taste of Chipotle catering is getting nearer. You may think this is cheating… and you’re probably right. But word around the block is other offices are doing the same thing, so that makes it ok… right?

Now, ordering the right kind of meal at Chipotle is also very important here. You can get a bowl, tacos or a burrito for over $6 which makes this pretty easy to achieve. But you also only get one card-swipe per day, making your meal choice that much more significant. If you ever buy tacos, you’re lying to yourself. You don’t like Chipotle. You like wasting money. Burritos are a commendable choice, but you’re still not doing Chipotle right. The burrito bowl is the clear choice here. You get more food than you would in a burrito, but you can also ask for a tortilla on the side….. like duh, you just got a fatter burrito by getting a bowl. Sick.

As for the contents of your bowl, you can’t smother it in sour cream without ruining a gloriously delicious $8 meal. If you do, you end up with a bowl of white mush that tastes like old milk. You also can’t order brown rice just because you think you’re being “healthier.” News flash – you aren’t. Brown rice has more calories and carbs, as well as about 80% more arsenic than white rice, which is linked to problems like cancer and diabetes. On the other hand, however, white rice has less micronutrients and has a higher glycemic index, meaning it is broken down by your body faster and causes a higher insulin response. The debate goes on and on, but neither rice is insanely good or bad for you. Order the type of rice you think has the best taste, and get the beans that give you the least amount of gas, and move on.

Now comes the best part: the meat. The best advice I can give you is to go for chicken. Steak is a fair enough choice if you’re one of those meat loving people, but please stay away from the soggy pork and crumbly sofritas. Gross. You then CANNOT skip the pico de gallo, otherwise your bowl is immediately a waste of space. Extra pico, both spicy sauces, corn, cheese and lettuce = BEST BOWL OF YOUR LIFE. You might be thinking – hey, what about guac? I thought you were basic? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered–

Guacamole is incredible, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re smart you’ll follow this little tip: get guac on the side. Why? Reason 1 – you can literally taste the guacamole more if you fork it out of the to-go container and top each bite off with it. Mixing it throughout your bowl drowns it in other flavors, making it a waste of $3. Reason 2 – if you don’t finish your bowl (which happens often because it’s a lot of food) you can take it home and eat it later or the next day without an issue. If guac is in your bowl, it’ll oxygenate and turn brown, ruining your leftovers! I know I know, pretty clever.

The point of this all is – Chipotle is awesome, Chiptopia is a great thing that you need in your life, cheating is acceptable if you’re not the only one cheating, and you need to get a burrito bowl with guac on the side if you want the best bang for your buck. You’re welcome.

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